A Message from Wyman T. Roberts, CEO of Brinker International
As most of you already know, these are uncertain times. Covid-19, also known as Coronavirus, has upended the American restaurant industry. As CEO of Brinker International, the parent company of Chili’s, I’m here to tell you about the steps we’re taking in order to provide a safe, consistent, and delicious experience at Chili’s.
As of today, we’re happy to announce we will be offering indoor dining–as well as takeout and curbside pickup–at every Chili’s location in the contiguous United States. All tables have been removed and booths spaced six feet apart to comply with national health guidelines. We call it our OnlyBooths® Promise.
We’ve also updated our menu. As of today, we will only be offering one item: Chicken Crispers®. Our Chicken Crispers® are a customer favorite. They will be prepared on-site by an employee known as the Crisper. The Crisper will care for the chickens from birth, slaughter them in a humane fashion, do whatever it is one must to do get them ready for the fryer, and then crisp them according to Chili’s secret recipe. The Crisper will also be responsible for making our famous honey mustard sauce. We’re providing our Crispers with a year’s worth of bees and mustard seed so that no outside deliveries need be made. The Crisper will live on premises to minimize contagion.
When you arrive at your local Chili’s, feel free to seat yourself. Pick a booth, any booth. BoothsOnly®. When you’re ready to order, simply ring the bell on your table to summon the Crisper to his kitchen window. It’s a small window so be sure to make eye contact with the Crisper and hold up as many fingers as you want Chicken Crispers®. The Crisper will nod ever so slightly to confirm that he has understood your order. As a courtesy to our customers, Chili’s will not be providing utensils or napkins. You may or may not get a plate. No beverages, either, and the bathrooms will be locked.
You will know when your Chicken Crispers® are ready when you waft their sumptuous aroma across the dining room. You’re now free to walk over to the tiny kitchen window and announce your presence to the Crisper (“I’m here, Crisper!”). He will place your Chicken Crispers® in the C.A.R. (Chili’s AirLock System - patent pending) and press go. If you your hand gets caught in the C.A.R., don’t panic. The C.A.R. is still in beta testing, and it occasionally malfunctions. As long as there are other patrons in the Chili’s, you’ll be fine. Simply instruct them to order any number of scrumptious and piping hot Chicken Crispers,® and when the Crisper is done making them, you’ll get your hand back. If there are no other patrons in the Chili’s, you must wait for patrons to come. We apologize for any inconvenience. Don’t ever ask the Crisper how he feels about working at Chili’s.
Thank you for your continued patronage of Chili’s during these difficult times. Your loyalty and business mean the world to us. Black Lives Matter.
